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Everyday, I bless God that I didn’t marry in my 20s, The kind of men I desired in my 20s are different from the kind of men I want now in my 30s

I used to like dark guys from a particular region (preferably Yoruba or River State) with certain degrees, strong Christian religious guys that speaks in tongues, maybe a youth pastor… you know. I didn’t want to date a foreigner let alone marry one.

I was travelling around the world, going to places meeting wonderful people but I was turning down anything that looks like a romantic relationships because those people by the virtue of their race, ethnicity or religion didn’t meet the criteria of what my ideal man should be.

This was in my 20s… more than 10 years ago.
I had little understanding about the real world or personal values.

Then I lost my Dad… Maybe God called my Dad home so I could grow up and see life for what it is.

When I lost my brother 5 months after I lost my Dad, I called my then boyfriend to go and be with my mom because I was just coming into the country… he said he couldn’t that he doesn’t have transport. I asked him to sent his account number, he said he couldn’t, then he switched off his phone.

My mom was the only one at home when my brother d!.ed, the rest of my siblings were in school so there was no one with my mom. I know families would soon come, I needed someone there, I needed someone during the darkest moment of my life… but the person I trusted turned me down.

I started calling those I could remember to go be with my mom… I just wanted someone to be there before I arrive.

I called someone I just met, a medical doctor in a different state entirely, he left his job immediately and drove 4 hours journey to be there while I was on my way.

This was the first lesson I learnt.

Lesson 1: Be with someone reliable, who can hold your hands and give you the support you need when you are down. Everyday is not going to be all rainbow and sunshine, be with those who will stay with you when the sky goes dark.

While I was handling my father’s business, I was interacting with men my fathers age, I was having REAL LIFE ISSUES.

Finance,
Siblings,
Education,
My personal life,
Family expectations.

Three years after my father d!.ed, I had been cheated on, betrayed, made mockery of, fvc.ked over by the people I think should have my back, I started seeing where I was getting it wrong… I understood my values, my family dynamics, my life goals and my current journey. These were the beginning of my growth.

I started meeting the kind of friends, people and having the kind of conversation I want, but for the sake of this post, I started meeting the kind of men I want to be romantically involved with.

I started meeting people who shares similar values with me.

Imagine calling your boyfriend “my boss sent me a last minute errand so I’m travelling tomorrow” and he says, don’t worry, I will drop you off at the airport before I go to the office.

Imagine turning on your phone after your plane lands and the first call that enters your phone is from him telling you he has asked one of his friends to pick you up from the airport because he was still busy at the shop.

Imagine visiting his family and everyone is excited to meet you and treating you special. His family has an event and they included you in the plans and bought you the family uniform… A GIRLFRIEND IN NIGERIA!

Your mom was sick at night and you were worried because you’re not in town, and he asks you “is she at home?”
Then he is driving from his house by 12:am to pick up your mom and take her to the hospital and stay with them till 3am before he went back home because he would resume work the next day.

Imagine having bitter arguments with someone that understands conflict resolution, someone who wants the relationship to work.

Imagine being with someone you can plan a business with, share business ideas and seal deals together, someone you feel safe with…

I started meeting these categories of men in my 30s and I learnt lesson number 2.

2. I do not need a partner from a particular race or tribe or region, or religious ideology,
It’s about a person who shares similar values with me.

I know a typical Nigerian that doesn’t think, is reading this post and be like “why didn’t you marry them na” because the only thing in you people’s head is marry marry marry… nothing else

Many things can end a beautiful relationship.
Genotype, distance, choices to have or not to have children, mental health issues, psychological disorders, terminal ailments or worst death.

So yes, a person might be good for you but not every relationship would end in marriage.

Some relationships happen for you to heal from all the yamayama you have dated,
Some happen for you to grow or to make you experience feelings you never know existed and to make you meet different personalities.

Some relationships happens to make you see the bigger picture and remind you that your spec of partner actually exists.

Your 20s is to explore life, get experience and make tons of mistakes,
Your 30s is to leverage on the lessons you’ve learnt and build on it.
Your 40s to finish up what you have been building,
And your 50s is for you to sit back and enjoy everything you have built over the years.