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Sunday I decided to go and greet my parents since I was passing towards our family house. When I got to the door about to open and enter I heard Chibueze my nephew murmuring to my Dad saying; Daddy, she is here should I also hide our toothpaste so she will not lick that one too?

So, yesterday being Sunday I decided to go and greet my parents since I was passing towards our family house.

When I got to the door about to open and enter I heard Chibueze my nephew murmuring to my Dad saying;

Daddy, she is here should I also hide our toothpaste so she will not lick that one too?

I was like Aah aah ónye kwa(Who)? Who is licking my parent’s toothpaste again?

When I entered I noticed the look on Chibueze’s face.

I didn’t pay attention to Chibueze I only greeted my Aunty my Dad’s elder sister who came from Jos to see him.

That my Aunty is a tórtóise. a big one at that! oke mbe.

I hugged her and told her it wasn’t fair so if I hadn’t come to see my parents I wouldn’t have known she had come.

She said what I did not even understand facing the ground.

Inside me, I said Aunty the feeling is mutual.

You don’t lîke me and I don’t lîke you too maybe is because I took after her… I resemble her in everything.

Two captains they say can never be in one bolt.

I wanted to go inside and greet my Mom.

My Dad called me back and asked me if I had their spare key with me.

I said yes…

My Dad told me to hand the spare key to him.

I turned and asked my Aunty what was going on because I know her too well and I know she must have told my Dad something about me.

The way my Aunty attàckéd me I’ve already known she has mûrdéréd me before my Dad.

My Dad said her sister had told him what I posted on my WhatsApp status and that she screenshot and showed him too.

That I made a post on my WhatsApp I would come to our family house and empty the house.

I was shocked!!

I was shocked because I had the intention of coming to steal all the foodstuffs in the family house and I already came prepared but I never made such a post on my status. 

In fact, for months I’ve not posted on my status.

I stood and only concluded my Aunty had become a wîtch that she read that from my mind not my status because I hardly post.

I quickly prayed let my Dad not search my handbag because she would see 2 sack bags I wanted to use and pack rice, beans, fish, and many other things.

Aah, I said inside my mind that if a snake doesn’t act like a snake children will use it and tie firewood. 

I said I must defend myself because I didn’t post such.

I got angry and asked to see the screenshot so I would know where to start.

My Aunty showed me.

I looked at the name of the person who posted it and it was Olisa my Aunty’s son who is also my cousin. It was a joke he cracked just that my Dad and her sister don’t like jokes and they don’t know when jokes are cracked

The day I posted I dóñ’t want péàce I wànt próblém always on my WhatsApp.

My Dad accused me of joining bad gangs and suspended me from coming to our family house.

We just finished settling that one just in November last year with enough truth to God and plenty of abeg coming from my mouth.

My Aunty opened her mouth waah when she saw it was her son who posted it.

She confessed how she views WhatsApp statues.

She said we shouldn’t blame her that anytime she wants to view WhatsApp statues she will click on the person statues she has in mind and it will be playing that she doesn’t know when it enters another person’s own that everything she watches she will assume it is the same first person she opened his/her statues posted it.

She then apologized and my Dad apologized too.

I asked her since it was Olisa her son who posted it that means she would disown him.

She said she knew what she would do to him.

I then understood the statement Chibueze made when I was coming.

He asked if he should hide toothpaste before I lick it.

I shouted God!!! So Chibueze was referring to me.

Me Ember!!! Toothpaste licker!! God forbid!!

I didn’t know when I got angry and raised my voice at my Dad and Aunty asking them why they discussed such before 10 years ago.

I jacked Chibueze. used our bathroom slippers and changed his life at once for good.

After flogging him…

I know Chibueze well my parents don’t know him a bit.

I asked him questions on what is happening to the toothpaste my parents are buying in the house because of everything for Chibueze to secure only toothpaste omo it is not ordinary hóha! Otoro nkiti biko!!

said it na!

Chibueze was only securing what matters most to him!!

He doesn’t want to share close-up toothpaste with me because close is his food when he’s alone in the house.

My Mom shouted!! She said no wonder she buys close up every week not knowing it was Chibueze who licks it.

That was how I left without packing any foodstuffs (heartbreak).

But my coming to that family house again will be clean up… Mkpocha na nzacha since they stress me this much for just the small rice I wanted to pack.

Not as if I’m packing many. Is evening picking I wanted to pick. Something I will just count like 70 seeds from the bag.

Nobody should call me a thiévé, ooh I’m just doing what will eliminate ulcer kpàta-kpàta.

Amaka Ember